Confessions (16)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2017-09-11 05:50 ID:zc2iUsB1 [Del]

Hi,
First of all I apologise for this post, but I need to release my feelings in a private and anonimous way. Some people write a diary, but that would ultimately identify myself. I don't expect any reply, and if you delete this post I'll understand it.

To summarise, I feel I am a failure. True, cademically speaking I'm an average person, but apart from that I'm a failure. I don't know how to do the most basic domestic chores, and my logical thinking ability is deeply impaired (and no, it's not due to mental development problems).

I can't say I'm deppresed all the time, but I am most of it. I almost have no friends, and I know that I can't tell this to the few ones I have because they wouldn't take this seriously. They would say that what I should do is change, but I feel unable to do so. I don't know why. It's like a fricking vicious circle.

I've been contemplating suicide. I, of course, would like it to look like an accident, as I don't want my parents to worry. I have no guns at home. I've tried water intoxication, and I'm still alive. I got to the point where I had seizures, although I don't remember anything. I was taken to hospital, and they at first found sympthoms of hyponatremia (low levels of sodium) but then couldn't, and thought that they hadn't done the analisis correctly.

Now I don't know what to do. I've been like this for months now. I've also tried smothering myself with a pillow, but eventually it was too unconfortable to keep going.

2 Name: help : 2017-09-14 14:44 ID:RXLBIl6o [Del]

Hey,
I don't know you, but let me tell you that you are awesome, solely because you wrote here. Not many people would have the will to reach out, even if it is just a confession.

As long as we're not violating the rules, we have the right to say whatever we wish. This is why this board exists.

I am by no means an expert, but here are a few things to consider. Some of this may seem redundant, or even stupid to you, but give it a chance. You don't have to reply here, just think about them for a minute.

You mention that you are a failure. True, you do not know how to do domestic chores, as you mentioned, but you can always learn, can't you?

Your logical thinking is deeply impaired, yet, logically, you knew that this board is anonymous, and that you might receive some sort of help. Even if unconsciously. I think that is a sign which indicates that your logical thinking is just fine, but you probably had a past experience which makes you think that it's impaired.

Friends, true friends, are there for you to trust and to open up to. Do not try to expect what they would tell you, they will appreciate the fact that you at least opened up and that you truly care about their opinion. And maybe you are right, but at least you tried. There is no harm in trying.

I have to say that suicide will not fix things, you will just run away from your problems. But if you think about it, it is a very selfish thing to do. You never know what life holds for you, and you never know how important you are to others, even if your self-confidence is low at the moment. It's really not worth killing yourself.

I know, everything seems bleak right now, and it is as if no matter what you do, there is no way out, it seems. Everything seems boring, and the smallest amount of criticism can push you over and make you believe that you are a failure.

The first thing is to believe that you are not, because even if you are, you can improve. Depression is also a reason why you feel this way, and here are a few things that may cause varying degrees:

  1. Make sure you sleep enough. Your body needs rest, to regenerate and to do things it normally could not, while you are moving about.
  2. Make sure you eat enough (3 times a day, even if they are small quantities.) Don't forget to drink as well!
  3. Find things to do. If you like books, ask around for book recommendations, even on here. Meet people, if you can, or make sure you hang out with people to get that dose of social life. Humans are always in need of a companion or two.
  4. Try something new. Something that you've never tried before, even if it seems boring. You never know, you might like it, and it will be a change from your monotony.
  5. Stay open. If you can get access to them, read The Power of Now and The Untethered Soul. They will give you a different view of yourself, while being clear and they do not expect you to have anything special.

And lastly, meditate. It's not an easy thing to do, for some people, but with practice, you can learn to do it, and if you do it for about ten minutes a day, just focusing on yourself, things will change. The more you know yourself, the better, because you can analyse your problems and find a solution and you can realise what is causing problems in the first place.

Hope this helps!

3 Name: Anonymous : 2017-09-14 18:31 ID:zc2iUsB1 [Del]

>>2"Hey,"
Hi,
Let me quote you, and reply to you in between.
>>2"I don't know you, but let me tell you that you are awesome, solely because you wrote here. Not many people would have the will to reach out, even if it is just a confession."
Now this is weird. My state has changed, I'm not as bad as last time. I'm afraid this may be just a phase, and in a few days it will revert to the previous state. The reason for that? I'll reunite with one of my friends, who pressures me to change; he'll see I haven't done anything meaninful this summer, and... the reproaches with good reason will begin.
>>2"As long as we're not violating the rules, we have the right to say whatever we wish. This is why this board exists."
I know, but I didn't want to contaminate this place with my depression. But eventually, I needed to get all this out.
>>2"I am by no means an expert, but here are a few things to consider. Some of this may seem redundant, or even stupid to you, but give it a chance. You don't have to reply here, just think about them for a minute.
You mention that you are a failure. True, you do not know how to do domestic chores, as you mentioned, but you can always learn, can't you?"
I haven't done anything this fricking summer, partly or wholly because of this. Or maybe it's just me, and I'm putting excuses to myself. I often think in this last scary posibility. Perhaps I am an asshole who convinces himself that he is depressed to stay in his comfort zone?
>>2"Your logical thinking is deeply impaired, yet, logically, you knew that this board is anonymous, and that you might receive some sort of help. Even if unconsciously. I think that is a sign which indicates that your logical thinking is just fine, but you probably had a past experience which makes you think that it's impaired."
Well, that one made me laugh, gotta give you that. Let me tell you a story: Once, a blind guy seriously considdered walking three kilometres alone to a destination he hadn't visited before, only using mobile GPS as an aid, and he had to do that route twice (go and return, that is) in under two hours. Another one: the same guy bet (and lost) more than $500 in a bet about not falling asleep. That guy was me.

>>2"Friends, true friends, are there for you to trust and to open up to. Do not try to expect what they would tell you, they will appreciate the fact that you at least opened up and that you truly care about their opinion. And maybe you are right, but at least you tried. There is no harm in trying."
I disagree with that. They will regard my behaviour as a selfish way of excusing myself, something I myself sometimes think too.

>>2"I have to say that suicide will not fix things, you will just run away from your problems. But if you think about it, it is a very selfish thing to do. You never know what life holds for you, and you never know how important you are to others, even if your self-confidence is low at the moment. It's really not worth killing yourself."

That's probably true. But I honestly don't know how to solve this shit. It's apparently too simple, but I'm blinded by that option. I probably don't see the bigger picture. But how can you if a friend of you tells you, quite rightly, that you are a failure, and you don't do anything to change, because of you stupid mood?

>>2"I know, everything seems bleak right now, and it is as if no matter what you do, there is no way out, it seems. Everything seems boring, and the smallest amount of criticism can push you over and make you believe that you are a failure.
The first thing is to believe that you are not, because even if you are, you can improve. Depression is also a reason why you feel this way, and here are a few things that may cause varying degrees:

  1. Make sure you sleep enough. Your body needs rest, to regenerate and to do things it normally could not, while you are moving about.
  2. Make sure you eat enough (3 times a day, even if they are small quantities.) Don't forget to drink as well!"

I currently do 1 and 2. But sorry, not believing that is much easier said than done.

>>2"3. Find things to do. If you like books, ask around for book recommendations, even on here. Meet people, if you can, or make sure you hang out with people to get that dose of social life. Humans are always in need of a companion or two."
I have things to do. The things to do are part of the problem really. I'm a depressed procrastinator. Picture that. I do fun tings to try and not be depressed, but can't get real shit done, thus I don't achieve anything. And about hanging out.... my social skills suck: I'm not (insert name here), I'm a blind guy. The guy who talks to people is the blind guy, the guy who they help is a blind guy, the guy who hangs out with people (never outside of school) is the blind guy. (I hope you can understand this part).

>>2"4. Try something new. Something that you've never tried before, even if it seems boring. You never know, you might like it, and it will be a change from your monotony."
Noted, will try to think about something.

>>2"5. Stay open. If you can get access to them, read The Power of Now and The Untethered Soul. They will give you a different view of yourself, while being clear and they do not expect you to have anything special."
Sorry, but I think these books will clash with my atheist empirist believes. Nontheless I'll check them out.

>>2"And lastly, meditate. It's not an easy thing to do, for some people, but with practice, you can learn to do it, and if you do it for about ten minutes a day, just focusing on yourself, things will change. The more you know yourself, the better, because you can analyse your problems and find a solution and you can realise what is causing problems in the first place."
This is connected with my previous point too. But I promise I'll search for it.
Now, this repy may seem like of one of a stupid complaining jerk. Sorry if it does. Sorry, too, if it offends anyone, especially the poster. I'm in no position to offend anyone, particularly a helping hand. But these are my opinions. If you think I'm a jerk who complains too much about his life and should get his shit together and stop acting like a baby, go ahead, tell me. Seriously, I won't get offended. It'll be an opinion which one part of me shares. The other part just complains and is sometimes depressed and other times, like now, gains strenght but doesn't do anything to improve his situation, so that might as well be true.

4 Name: meditator : 2017-09-17 01:20 ID:v+vbGeF6 [Del]

As I read your posts the first thing that came to my mind is that you care too much. You care too much about what others think and feel about you, you care too much about how they react and how they will react in a given situation and you start making scenarios in your head that are darker and darker with each possibility ruled out. You care too much about the consequences of every of your actions and you're so affraid that you are going to mess up that you end up doing nothing just not to mess up things infront of your friends. The best advise I can give you is to try to change your way of thinking first. You can't change the way you act and the way you socialize if you don't change the way you think. Meditation will help you greatly in this process. It wont be interfering with your religious beliefs since meditation is completely different from belief. Meditation can help you consolidate your belief in god but believing it's not a requirement. Meditation is all about analising your inner self, your thinking pattern and your feelings. Sure you can say that you are already doing that without meditating but it's not true. When you meditate you tend to have a calm, much like third person perspective, you have to analize your thinking and feeling pattern without them interfering with the way you do it. When you meditate you have to concentrate on something else at first because your mind needs to be calm in order to inspect how it works, it's like you look through a glass window at your rises and falls. Try to have an open mind for everything and stop judging others. Try to realise that everyone has his own problems and his own way of dealing with them and just let life flow. Realise that you are just a grain of sand on the huge beach of our universe and that society is just a man made product full of flaws. You have to realise that we are so hard wired to think in a given way that we are just robots with a whisp of conscience. Well I've rambled enough on the subject, I hope my insight will be helpfull one day.

5 Name: Erion!!/0BUFy7t : 2017-09-17 18:24 ID:kbBBSHNa [Del]

You know, if there was a reward for creating this board, then >>4 is certainly one of them.

Meditation is stepping back, as has been mentioned, and we all need to step back sometimes. Especially because life nowadays is just a rush and responsibilities. It's easy to get caught up in things that should not count.

6 Name: meditator : 2017-09-18 05:08 ID:EAAhVRDj [Del]

Erion I completely agree with you, a step back is not only required but necessary for our sanity. Most of the people get enchased so much into things that have no actual spiritual or intellectual value for them that they identify completely with those things. Novadays there's so much hypocracy that the form is more important than the content, clothes are more important than the human inside and the past and future are more important than the present. People think so much about what they did and analise every of their action or consequence through such a thick filter made of their past experiences that the power of thinking is lost to automation repeating the same mistakes over and over. we think so much about what we will do in one day, one week or a few years from now that we forget that the only moment that we fully live is the moment of now and that that's what we will be able to live for the rest of our life. Living in the past is like being a ghost, you can visit that place everytime with your mind but you can not change a thing so why do people choose to think so much about the past? The future on the other hand is completely opposite to the past because it has so many ways it can follow and so many random things that can interfere with it that even considdering one way as the way of your life is nonsense. So why should we plan so much ahead?

7 Name: Erion!!/0BUFy7t : 2017-09-19 11:08 ID:2OFooD12 [Del]

I completely agree. That is why I recommended The Power of Now as well as The Untethered Soul. They really summarise this well, and move things into a completely different light.

All that focus that goes into the past and the future can be redirected to the now. You can do so much with one third of your focus, imagine what you can do with all three thirds.

On this note, I recommend the 3rd episode of Black Mirror, Series 1, called 'The Entire History of You.' A fascinating series on its own, but this episode is specifically focusing on the past, via a storage device for your brain.

8 Name: Brendan : 2017-09-19 12:54 ID:j9q73pS7 [Del]

Hi. the fact that you weren't successful in your suicide attempts tells me that your time isn't at hand yet.
I am going to tell you something someone told me once. You might not understand it now, but when the time is write, it will become clear

"Humans want answers. That is natural, but the answers you seek don't come with photographic evidence. they require that you believe in something that you can't see. That's why we call it faith, otherwise we'd call it proof."

9 Name: Anonymous777 : 2017-09-26 14:53 ID:NS79PAuz [Del]

Let me just tell you this:
You are not a failure, nor are you alone.
If you ever need a friend (who is lacking knowledge of domestic chores as well, I might add), I am always free to talk.

Best of luck and God bless!

10 Name: Anonymous : 2017-09-27 13:21 ID:FRZZBCcF [Del]

Hi,
I started reading "The Power of Now", as recommended by >>2 . I gave up after several chapters. See, energies vibrating at high freequencies and joining with the cosmos is not my thing. I honestly tried the techniques there for several minutes and couldn't feel anything. I might also add that I don't believe in these things, too.

11 Name: meditator : 2017-09-28 17:30 ID:Vo9r25Ot [Del]

I was a nonbeliever like you untill one day when I decided that I need a change in my life, I decided that I must find a reason for living and something to believe in or i'll go mad. Then the question arose... What should I believe in then? I knew the bible and it seemed just a collection of stories. Can I believe in it as it was written? clearly not because it was written by humans thus subjective. In my life then begun a fascinating journey through the religions that this earth had. I studied the quran extenssively, the tora and all the buddhist books I could find. At first all of them seemed like a piece of crap but then something crackled inside me and I realised that there is a very important thing that's shared by all of these beliefs. I then turned to science... I tried to understand how our universe works, what's the smallest particle that we know off, how did it all start? I believe that the vast universe that we see today begun from a single dot, billions of times smaller than the smallest grain of sand. All the things that you see today come from that dot. Just the sheer amount of energy used to create this much is incredible and yet it has been demonstrated that our universe, despite the logic, is expanding, galaxies are moving further from eachother. Only when you learn how to meditate you will begin to feel the energy. I can describe the feeling to you but that's not the point. As Einstein said to one of his teachers, the darkness can not be defined because it's only the absence of light, so it can not be studied. this is true for hate, which is only the absence of love, and evil when there's no good. So I say to you that desperation and self pity are just the absence of a belief, the absence of a path that you must choose and that you must search. Where it will lead you doesn't matter, the journey is important. but don't believe me... be angry at me! be angry and try to prove me wrong... start studying the matter don't just give it a quick thought and ignore it. Dive into it, try to search your own path, search your own answers to the questions that everyone must face in life... Who am I, who created me? Who or how was the universe created? When you will start to truly think and try to find answers to those questions your spiritual journey will begin.

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13 Name: Anonymous : 2017-11-05 06:13 ID:FsFSc6x5 [Del]

Hi,
My situation has gotten worse, due to the fact that I told my friends, and some other things which I won't comment on. Meditation isn't helping. I mean, I started like three weeks ago (at the moment I'm just doing the simplest exercises, like focusing on my breath and counting the exhalations), and I just get relaxed, nothing more. What am I doing wrong?

14 Name: Erion : 2017-11-05 12:20 ID:/MLaPTI1 [Del]

Hello,

I am sad to hear that your situation got worse.

If you have some time, check out an application and a website, called Headspace. It's a very straightforward guided meditation program, which is not free, but their basic beginner program, which is 10 days, I believe, is. It will help you get started. It does not want you to visualise, believe in or imagine things.

On the note of telling friends, you were brave enough to share your issues, and who else would be the best audience to listen if not the people you consider friends? You've done the right thing.

Hope this helps!

15 Name: Anonymous : 2017-11-06 05:52 ID:FsFSc6x5 [Del]

OK, this is not working AT ALL. I hadly ever get lost in my meditation sessions. There is an exercise in another course I'm following which states that I will have difficulties counting my exhalations from 1 to 21 and back, that I will get up to 3. Guess what, I never do, I do the exercise perfectly. I get so focussed on the exercise (and so relaxed, too) that I undermine the process of meditation. I can't let go and let the brain do the stuff it wants to. I got the Headspace App and got exactly the same results (I did 6 sessions in a row this night, I was having insomnia). So what can I do? Is this for me? Should I stick to traditional psychology (I'm seriously considering this option)?

16 Post deleted by moderator.

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